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August 2, 1999 Stillwater, Ohio The Lucky Farms Free Range and Free Love Chicken Ranch, in Stillwater Ohio is under investigation for animal abuse, according to FDA Under Secretary Janice King. Apparently, the owner of the Luck Farms Free Range and Free Love Chicken Farm had unique ideas with respect to maintaining happy chickens, and at the same time, reducing breeding costs. "I would try to establish a romantic mood you see" States Milton Harnsacher, the owner of the farm. "A little wine, a little music and some gay porn. Then I would fuck those little chicken bitches" he added.
Milton Harnsacher - Owner / Farmer "Milton does not seem to understand that chickens do not enjoy sex with humans" Stated Janice King. "If he were really interested in inseminating those chicken, then why did he place his penis in their anus? And why did he pick male chickens?" she asked.
February 22, 1999 Cupertino, CA Elmo...everyone's favorite Sesame Street character ,was shot this morning in an apparent act of desperate, annoyed rage. Little Johnny Phillips, age 4, was attending a parade at Hoover Elementary School in Cupertino, California. When the event's honored guest, Elmo, started a song and dance number, Mr. Phillips pulled a Browning 9mm from his Scooby Doo lunch pal, and fired four shots into the purple Elmo. Johnny's Attorney, Marc Rogers, is asserting his clients innocence by reason of temporary insanity.
Marc Rogers, Defense Attorney for Johnny Philips "My clients lunch pale was filled to the brim with Twinkies, Ho Hos, and Hostess (TM) Cup Cakes". "What kid in that addled state of mind would not want to shoot at an annoying purple piece of shit?" Elmo is in stable, but critical condition, says a hospital official. Johnny is scheduled to go to trial after his dentist appointment in March. He was not available for comment. Hear the Elmo Shooting on putrid.com
January 8, 1999 University of California, Berkeley, CA The University of California at Berkeley revealed today startling new findings in investigations leading to the possible origins of obesity. Debbie Wong, a researcher at UC Berkeley's Obesity Research Group leads the project. "We have found an alarming correlation between morbid obesity, or people who are morbidly obese AND behavior such as sitting at home watching Jerry Springer while eating loads of fatty food. In other words, people acting like fat fucking pigs." Making the problem worse, are the plethora of fat foods marketed as being healthy. "Without a doubt, the "eat lard and be fit and healthy" campaign has been very damaging to many Americans" states Dr. Wong. "Americans should think twice before eating 3 pounds of lard in a single sitting...as the ad campaign recommends as a normal serving."  Although UC Berkeley's and Dr. Wong's research are inconclusive, it would tend to suggest that very fat people are disgusting and should bathe more often.
December 8, 1998 San Francisco, CA The Tele Tuby gang received its fifth member today... "Flimsy". Katrina Walker, Spokesperson for PBS stated that Flimsy was an "excellent addition" to the Tele Tuby franchise in this day of "open diversity".
The other Tele Tubies were not available for comment, however Poe was rumored to have mentioned a "last straw which may well create sufficient impetus to implement a final solution."
Fight Between Two Athletes Set For
Late Fall. The two celebrities have a long standing rivalry that goes back to the initial casting days of Different Strokes. "In the early days of the show, they (the producers) were thinking of a Hispanic, digestive system disorder twist" explains Herve. "The idea was for a vertically challenged, incontinent man to win his way into the hearts of an upper middle class New York family by soiling himself and then sitting on all of their light colored furniture and Berber carpet." "But ultimately, they opted to go with a 'lets adopt a couple of niggers' theme." "I was crushed, and have since nurtured a great hatred for Gary Coleman. GOD will prove me right in the end. That little bastard is going down." "Herve is a lying maggot!" exclaims Mr. Coleman. "Number one....he lost the Different Strokes gig by humping Mr. Drumond's leg on the set.. Number 2, that little weenie killed my chances for a Love Boat spot by telling Ricardo Montalban (who is good friends with Aaron Spelling) that I had a felony on by record." Mr Coleman indicated he was willing to start things anew when he stated: "Let's decide which one of us is the real man...... in the ring this November."
Author John Gray Introduces New
Work This Week.
Silicon Valley Man Not to Be Fucked
With Putrid warns all residents of San Jose to not fuck with Peter, as he has been known to urinate on the concrete walks of affluent individuals who have "fucked" with him.
Homeless Research
February 11, 1998 San Diego CA After almost 25 years of keeping toilets spotless, Chester Marfield, better known as the Tidy Bowl Man has quit his job. "I'm so fucking sick of cleaning shit off my boat". states Marfield. "I mean, they should call me the Tidy Bowel Man. I can't tell you how many times my boat almost got sunk by larger than average stools. I mean..why the fuck didn't they give me a submarine so I could crash dive when the toilet owners ate out at a Mexican restaurant" lamented Mr. Marfield. "Fucking spicks!" he said. He continued by saying "I think those toilet owners are sick bastards. I really think they played a game of 'sink the little boat in the toilet with urine and shit'. "Often, they (the customers) would say they were only going to urinate, when in fact they knew full well they had to discharge large quantities of rancid shit." "Thanks for all the fucking Hepatitis you sick bitches" he concluded.
January 5, 1998 Los Angeles, CA Seeking to increase revenue on the Elmo Toy Line, the management at Sesame Street released the "Shoot Me Up Elmo" doll in late December '97, only to be greeted by mobs of angry parents. The new doll, complete with two syringes and enough heroin for 30 "trips", parents quickly complained about the dangers of the toy. Troy Milkin, recently bought the new toy for his six year old. "The biggest problem with this new Elmo doll is that it does not come with enough heroin" states Milkin. "Within a week, my son Peter had given Elmo thirty hits and was out of smack. He had to locate Opium plants, then extract the Opium to make morphine, then distill the morphine into heroin. I mean, it really made be cry to see my kid have to build his own drug lab just to get more life out of his new toy." Parents are urging Sesame Street to include 100 hits before they resume shipment of the toy in March.
December 23, 1997 Harvard, MA A new Harvard University study sheds new light on the problem of espousal abuse. The study, lead by sociologist Marvin Shumacker suggests that upiddy woman who shoot their mouths off, or more commonly put..mouth off, are far more likely to receive a beating than women who stay in the kitchen and bake pies.
Dr. Marvin Shumacker Shumacker points to one case study which illuminates his new theory. The case of the Crumpackers, a couple living in Fresno, California. For years Raylene took beatings from Hank until Dr. Shumacker heard of the couple from the local welfare board. "It is clear, this bitch does not know her place" states Shumacker. "I would be like....hey bitch..this toast is burnt...and alls she would say is ..ah.. I'm sorry." States a despondent Hank Crumpacker. "That kind of shit I won't take". Hank tells of a recent harrowing experience. "I get home from a double shift at K-Mart looking forward to some Cheez Whiz when I notice the cap is off. I say ...aye bitch, who left the cap off the Cheez Whiz...it dries out." Hank and Raylene Crumpacker Dr. Shumacker concludes that wife beating in the US would decrease dramatically if women were to simple shut their stupid little feminist mouths.
Well known child star outlives all
other Rascals. The legend of a child thespian is reportedly working on a project in LA that involves the original cast of The Partridge Family. Though he stated he can't say much at this time, he did allude that a sci fi, save the earth premise was at the heart of this new film. In 1987, Mr. Wheat attempted to revive his career when he signed on with Pepsi , in what is now considered to be the giant soda company's biggest ad failure. Known as the "Drink diet Pepsi so you don't become fat and disgusting and bloated" campaign, the stint probably hurt Mr. Wheat's career considerably.
December 14, 1997 Berkeley, CA In what was to be the nation's showcase diversity program, the grass roots "Celebrate Diversity You Pig Fucking Bitch" campaign came to a screeching halt December 3, 1997. Nathan Crumbshiemer, Spokesman for the National Coalition for the Promotion of Safe Rectal Sex and Spokesman for the Celebrate Diversity You Pig Fucking Bitch Coalition (formerly the Celebrate Diversity you Homophobe Bitch Who Probably Enjoys Episodes of the Love Boat While Smoking Crack Coalition) was outraged. "You know...it's very frustrating. We are trying to reach those anti diversity people with fairly subtle messages and we are still ignored" laments Crumbshiemer. "I mean....fuck those bastards."
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